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Merlin - IDK my BFF Gwen?

Room to Breathe: He Is

Posted by shotaphile on 2006.05.06 at 21:02
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Current Music: Finale B--Rent OST
Tags:
Okay, so I was really sad when no one was updating. Really sad. Because I had to sit through my brother's birthday and I feel I deserve SOMETHING for that. And what do I get? Nothing. So I punch out a terrible entry for Speedrent because I only had an hour before deadline but I REALLY liked the challenge so I had to try, goddammit, and I look and I look and I can't find any updates so I force myself to find the words to finish the second part. Not sure if I succeeded, but... Here. At least someone updated.


Series: RENT

Pairing: Mark/Roger

Spoilers: It's RENT, go see it. You'll love it, promise.

Warnings: SLASH. And my language. Weird present tense format, be careful.

Rating: Pg-13. And only that because of the language.

Part One: This Isn't



Room to Breathe: He Is



Mark hates him.

The speakers haven’t blown out since that night and Mark knows better than to believe it’s all thanks to his shitfaced repatching during the show. He’s tempted to charge extra, but just doesn’t have the energy to argue with the drummer on this matter. So fucking tired recently. Collins asks if he’s sick and Mark ignores him, because it’s obvious he’s not and Collins should be more worried about his own health. He’s just tired. Tired of this city, tired of this job. Tired of him. Tired.

Mark hates his eyes.

Always watching him, don’t think he doesn’t notice. Not stupid, not numb. Not yet. Doorways into the soul and Mark has to remind himself that he doesn’t want to see what’s behind door number one. Doesn’t want to see what’s behind door number two. Don’t look. It’ll just encourage him. Don’t. He won’t find anything, there’s nothing to find. Look. And he’s right. There’s nothing there. A smirk and a voice all wrapped up in leather and there’s Nothing There. But he’s gone and looked, and there’s no escaping those eyes now. They’re almost permanently skewed from the drugs and the sex and the rock n’ roll and Mark can’t be certain whether he was using that night or not, and like it changes anything anyway. He’s tired of guessing.

Mark hates his hands.

His hands, his arms and all the strength within, leading him away from the noise and the crowd--and Mark hates the atmosphere, so why is he suddenly so hesitant to leave it?--and keep him there when all he wants is to run away. Stop. Stay. And Mark is just too tired to fight him on this.

Mark hates his lips.

And all the saccharine sweet words that ooze out silk and honey and Don’t you feel special that they’re meant for you? And he talks and he talks, but he’s not saying anything. How are you, Who are you, Why are you laughing? Mark can’t stop laughing. This is all so fucking ridiculous and he can’t stop laughing. He’s hysterical, chanting, CROONING. Front man. Roger. Fucking front man. Fucking Roger. And it’s stupid and pointless and all he can do is watch those lips. But he’s got his manners, even if his mother isn’t around to enforce them anymore. It’s ingrained, and he’s too tired to fight the habit. Mark. Mark? Mark, but who the fuck cares? I care. Liar. No, I--LIAR. Pretty words, it’s all just pretty words and lies and he doesn’t mean any of it and Mark wonders why he’s even trying. Mark? Stop saying my name like that, /please/. And Mark wonder’s when he started crying.

Mark hates him.

For acting like he cares. Acting, because no one can care about him. Not like that. For making Mark care. Because he’s been fighting it for so long and he was winning, Goddamnit, until the fucking front man had to go and have a name. Roger. Mark can’t remember the last time he cried, and he’s not sure he wants to. If it hurts this much, he never wants to cry again. But he’s not sure that’s possible.

And he fucking hates Roger for it.



Notes: So most of this has just been sitting on my computer. It's the last couple of paragraphs that I hammered out tonight. I really didn't know what I was gonna do for the actual confrontation. And, frankly, I'm a little happy that it looks like Roger's the good guy. Just a warning though. This is NOT a happy fic. Just remember that. Don't say I didn't warn you.


Comments:


Anna
lamia_cobriana at 2006-05-07 22:47 (UTC) (Link)
How the hell can you write like that? It's writing like this, that I dream to be able to do. Congrats, it's fucking good.

Loved the way that the confrontation between Mark and Roger seemed more like Mark's thoughts then a conversation. Loved the way this was written. Will happily wait for more.

I don't think this would work if it was a happy story, or even an happy ending. It's dark and angsty and it works.
Shotaphile
shotaphile at 2006-05-07 23:16 (UTC) (Link)
How?
Fucking years of writing and rewriting and, when something was shit, admitting it was shit and tossing it away or redoing it until it IS good. Reading too much for my own damn good. Reading good stuff. Bad stuff. Stuff that makes you cry from the use of language and stuff that makes you cry from the misuse of language.
(Deleted comment)
Shotaphile
shotaphile at 2006-05-07 23:17 (UTC) (Link)
The first one is a bit different because the whole thing is a bit more chaotic, mostly because Mark is dead drunk and I wanted the writing to match. I had fun making it look like Roger was the good guy.
and ...isn't it, like dinner over there?
(Deleted comment)
Shotaphile
shotaphile at 2006-05-08 01:45 (UTC) (Link)
Yeah and when I post in Speed_Rent, which is EST, it still shows my time, so it looks like I posted WAY earlier than everyone else.
(Deleted comment)
Shotaphile
shotaphile at 2006-05-08 01:46 (UTC) (Link)
Got your clock in my ipod~
(Deleted comment)
Shotaphile
shotaphile at 2006-05-08 04:24 (UTC) (Link)
*is just watching your icon* ...

*shakes to clear head* Thanks for the comment, I'm glad it's angsty, as that was the entire effect I was going for.
leather boots, magenta hair & saying nasty things
killerbeautiful at 2006-05-14 04:10 (UTC) (Link)
love this a lot and can't wait for the rest. i love fic where their relationship is rocky from the start. thumbs up. :D
Shotaphile
shotaphile at 2006-05-14 04:44 (UTC) (Link)
Aw thanks. The third is in the works. I wanted to have it up this weekend but... well, I had to do a major room cleaning, and I went shopping, finally BOUGHT Rent. And Rent is more important than, well, anything.

I mean, a girl's gotta keep her priorites in order.
Beka talked like an alien, and it was BRILLIANT
starletfallen at 2006-09-05 19:20 (UTC) (Link)
*gapes*

Yeah, can I just... bow down and worship?

One day, I will write like you. Well, not like you, actually, but... I will write as good as you. I will...

Gods, you've got me... I can hardly breathe...

I'm sorry, this is so incoherant, but... I just...

Well, I wish I could put into words what the three stories of yours I've just read have done to me. If I manage, I'll let you know.
Shotaphile
shotaphile at 2007-06-14 20:56 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, once again. You really know how to charm a girl.

Waaah. I actually miss this series, believe it or not. I'm just not sure that, in the direction my writing is going right now, I could jump back in quite so easily.
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