Things you learn from reading RENT fanfiction:Posted by shotaphile on 2006.04.20 at 20:28
Current Mood: guilty
Current Music: Tango: Maureen
Alright, this is me. Obsessing over yet another fandom and not getting any homework done. This is really starting to become a bad habit of mine.
Pairings: Hm, references to past Roger/April, Roger/Mimi, past Mark/Maureen, and Roger/Mark. You’ll understand when you read it.
Spoilers: What, has someone only seen like, half the show or something? How the hell could there be spoilers?
Warnings: Language. Definitely language. And lots and lots of sarcasm.
Rating: Pg-13. I figure, if the movie RENT can have a pg-13 rating with Mark’s little potty mouth, this is much the same.
Note: This is all in fun. As in, I’ve been reading a bit too much RENT fan fiction for my own good recently and must now pay for it. If any of the following sound eerily familiar, PLEASE understand that while an idea may be overused, this does not necessarily mean it’s MISused. Specially the angst. I’m an angst whore. I love you all.
i. Mark LIVES on tea. He BATHES in it. Tea is to Mark what oxygenated water is to fish. Or what coffee is to Roger. Apparently Mark has a sugar-daddy who buys him all the tea he wants, because if Mark is too broke to pay rent, he's too broke to buy tea at the same rate he seems to consume it. That, or he's pulling those tea bags out of his ass. Either way, it all comes down to his ass, doesn't it?
ii. In order for Mark and Roger to get together, Mimi must die; it follows that, if Mimi dies, Mark and Roger MUST get together. In her death, Roger will mourn and Mark will comfort and, because of course, comfort is just another form of foreplay, this will eventually lead to sex. Ravenous, NEEDY sex. Roger must then forget all about Mimi and come to realize that Mark has ALWAYS been the love of his life. We ignore his past relationships with April and Mimi, or dismiss his feelings for them as brotherly despite the fact that he has, indeed, slept with both; because incest is all the rage these days. Anyway, Mark and Roger were MEANT TO BE and trivial details like Maureen aren't important.
iib. If the equal and opposite reaction to Mimi's death does not involve Mark and Roger's immediate declaration of love to one another (or at least their dry humping), Maureen and/or Collins will take it upon themselves to make the boho boys see the light. These efforts may well include copious amounts of alcohol or marijuana (donated by Collins, whose rewired ATM has apparently never been discovered or fixed) OR being locked into a room/closet by Maureen. [Too true, NekoShinigami]
iii. Angel knows EVERYTHING, including the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow--African AND European.
iv. Mark never takes off his scarf. Ever. Even if, miracle of miracles, he's inside a heated building. Even if it's the middle of the hottest Summer ever recorded, he's NOT allowed. Mark will die in his scarf, most likely BECAUSE of his scarf, which will get caught in a door or a paper shredder and strangle him because, remember, Mark is NOT ALLOWED to take off his scarf.
ivb. Mark likes being tied up with his own scarf. Roger likes tying up Mark with his own scarf. Nobody cares that it A. must chafe after a while, and B. would get really, really sweaty. Or that we don't even know if Mark and Roger like bondage... [props to DF for reminding me about this particular tangent.]
v. If Mark is drunk, he will make a move on Roger. If Roger is drunk, he will make a move on Mark. If both are drunk, they MUST have hot mansex. Must angsting will ensue. This will prove particularly potent if one or the other has been struggling with his feelings for some time. SOMEONE will cry. Probably Mark. Because we all know Mark is quite the crybaby.
vi. If anyone is sick, Benny will pay for the hospital/funeral bills. Because in RENT!land sick OBVIOUSLY means hospital. And anyone in the hospital WILL die, it's only a matter of time. If Benny is not currently available to mooch off of, Joanne is an acceptable alternative.
vii. Collins is fucking awesome. Period.
viii. Mark was a nerd/geek/socially-inept as a child and, as a result, was constantly bullied by muscle-bound freaks with two brain cells apiece and nothing better to do with their time. Don’t question this. Ignore the fact that he’s swimming in friends NOW, or that he’s always the one to start wicked cool songs like La Vie Boheme with said friends. I mean, he’s got glasses, he MUST have been a geek.
ix. The loft will ALWAYS have Captain Crunch. Don’t question this either.
x. Roger only knows three words. Fuck, sex, and… Roger only knows two words. We ignore the fact that both words equate to the same thing and more seriously ponder how Roger can write songs with a two word vocabulary.
xi. At least one of the cast HAS to have an abusive father. This will most likely be Mark because, as we all know, Jewish families ALWAYS have an abusive father. Nightmares and emotional baggage are a must on this issue, and what better way to have more comfort sex without all the dead bodies?
xii. Roger will forget to take his AZT and die a terrible, horrible, AIDS induced death if Mark doesn’t remind him everyday. Apparently his pager-alarm-thingy doesn’t work anymore.
xiii. Roger and Mark only get to eat when one of their slightly better off friends treats them. This is, of course, excluding the never-ending supply of Captain Crunch and tea, but one can only survive so long on reprocessed sugar bites and dirty bath water. These sudden bursts of generosity are limited solely to the confines of the Life Café because, really, is there any other café worth mentioning?
xiv. Mark blushes every time someone looks at him, speaks to him, or God forbid, touches him. Double this if it's Roger. Because Mark is so socially inept he is unable to square with the fact that people might actually notice him, and even if he *thinks* something dirty he goes so scarlet that you might as well use him to advertise the red light district.
xivb.At some point in time, Mark will curl up into a ball shivering. This is imparative. It usually occurs as the result of something Roger did, and he will almost ALWAYS cry. This may also occur if just accidentally (or just decided to) kissed Roger, and ran off before Roger had a chance to say anything. Either that or he was mugged. Take your pick. Any way it happens, Roger will eventually come to console him, which will result in hot mansex. [to Musical Junkies friend who will soon be fully converted to Mark/Roger.]
xv. Mark WILL NOT leave the loft without his camera in tow. This will earn him much goading from friends and company despite the fact that they should be well and truly USED to it by now. If he leaves the loft alone (most likely due to a fight with Roger) he is going 'out' with no specific destination in mind. Translation: I'm going to sulk and make myself feel better by video taping people worse off than me. This endeavor will most likely prove unwise, as Mark will end up mugged, frozen, or otherwise harmed and end up in the hospital (remember, there is no such thing as home-remedy), forcing Roger to angst. Eventually, this will all lead to sex. It always does. [Thanks to Angel for the idea!]
xvb. Also, Mark has always, *always* carried his camera around with him. Ever since high school/elementary school. He may have been born with it fused to his face. And for as long as anyone can remember Mark has *always* filmed their every move, despite the fact that Mark clearly states at the opening of the play..."From here on in I shoot without a script." and then proceeds to burn all of his screenplays. [You're beautifully sarcastic Leatharegee, after my own heart]
Notes: ...yeah, told you I was a sarcastic ass. And mucho thanks to _breathtaken for taking MY breath away!!